beyond a beginner! - B-Boys.com - Hip-Hop Rap Forums

flubby · 04-28-2009, 03:40 AM

this is just a little something i wrote i would love positive and negative feedback in the areas im good + not good at, so any tips or anything from you lot would be great! i would also like to point out, there is a hell of alot of talent here! so big props to all of you.

look at all yall kids out at night getting mental,
still getting guidance from the parental,
staying up so late eyes oriental,
thinking wether to myself is this fundamental.(make sense :S?)
im by my self with this lonely illumination,
lifes starting to take a toll now its inpatient,
i talk from the heart, so fuck yall allagations,
you get no second chances in this land of oppurtinity,
youth getting arrested for government stupidity,

not very good i know!, first time round so hoping yall can help me.

cheers flub x

Urban Eskimo · 04-28-2009, 08:46 PM

This wasn't bad man, you've got decent vocab and rhymes...you just lack abit of substance...try to stay on track with the content as best you can.

If you want feedback on rhymes your best bet would be to post them in the Freestyle Sessions forum, just a heads up for next time.

KOS

flubby · 04-29-2009, 08:58 AM

appreciated to the fullest for the feedback big cheers, what am i lacking sorry? substance means?.
haha cheers im not very good on these forums!.

flub.

Urban Eskimo · 04-29-2009, 07:58 PM

By substance I mean content, try to make the meaning or portrayal clearer to the readers. This was a very short piece, make your verses longer and more wholesome is what I'm sayin.

KOS

flubby · 04-30-2009, 06:44 AM

thanks very much big, this is what i need advise!. i wrote another few bars in the topic you told me 2, tried to take your advise and see what i could do so have a look if your interested

flub.

04-28-2009, 03:40 AM	#1
flubby Junior Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 33	beyond a beginner! this is just a little something i wrote i would love positive and negative feedback in the areas im good + not good at, so any tips or anything from you lot would be great! i would also like to point out, there is a hell of alot of talent here! so big props to all of you. look at all yall kids out at night getting mental, still getting guidance from the parental, staying up so late eyes oriental, thinking wether to myself is this fundamental.(make sense :S?) im by my self with this lonely illumination, lifes starting to take a toll now its inpatient, i talk from the heart, so fuck yall allagations, you get no second chances in this land of oppurtinity, youth getting arrested for government stupidity, not very good i know!, first time round so hoping yall can help me. cheers flub x

04-28-2009, 08:46 PM	#2
Urban Eskimo formerly known as DA BIGGEST Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Igloo Projects Posts: 9,490	This wasn't bad man, you've got decent vocab and rhymes...you just lack abit of substance...try to stay on track with the content as best you can. If you want feedback on rhymes your best bet would be to post them in the Freestyle Sessions forum, just a heads up for next time. KOS __________________ Real Eyes Realize Real Lies

04-29-2009, 07:58 PM	#4
Urban Eskimo formerly known as DA BIGGEST Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Igloo Projects Posts: 9,490	By substance I mean content, try to make the meaning or portrayal clearer to the readers. This was a very short piece, make your verses longer and more wholesome is what I'm sayin. KOS __________________ Real Eyes Realize Real Lies

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04-29-2009, 08:58 AM	#3
flubby Junior Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 33	appreciated to the fullest for the feedback big cheers, what am i lacking sorry? substance means?. haha cheers im not very good on these forums!. flub.

04-30-2009, 06:44 AM	#5
flubby Junior Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 33	thanks very much big, this is what i need advise!. i wrote another few bars in the topic you told me 2, tried to take your advise and see what i could do so have a look if your interested flub.