KempoMRK

If so, then post your verse in this thread and I'll break it down for you. I seem to find that the league holds 2 types of battlers. The dudes who actually want to elevate, and the dudes who don't care about elevation and think they're amazing anyway. So I won't bother breaking down all the verses, only people who actually want it.

So post away and I'll help you elevate.

To anyone who also wants to help, I shall be putting this by any verses that have already been broken down:

DONE

If there are no other verses available to give feedback to, then feel free to drop feed on any verses that have already been done. But if there are new verses, then it'd be appreciated if you could feed those first.

Joe Metts

i'll break'em down too.

KempoMRK

^ That'd help a lot, thanks.

David Lama

yea me too. if you ever need some help on AIM just holla at me.

my AIM is David Lama says

but if you hit me up expect me to be 100 percent honest. so dont get mad if i say something sucks

KempoMRK

^ That'd help a lot also, thank you as well.

So you've got the offer of help from the current WBL mod, an ex-WBL mod who is viewed as probably the best mod ever, and a WBL legend who's been a multiple time WBL champion. Use the help wisely, and like Lama said, don't get mad if we don't like your lines, we're only tryna help.

Joe Metts

yea, i'm gonna be honest. im not a dick though.

Deon

You guys could be on to something here....n not just each others asses.

__________________

Joe Metts

Ispitdatpiffyo

Deon

word

but what verses are u guys critiquin?

like battle verses? lol, before they post them?

cuz if yall wanna say yall peace..jus vote on mines n areas battle this week

__________________

Area51

word^ that would be much apreciated

Spart

this is a great idea, ive noticed cats in this league half assin breakdowns with one word replies.

this was against Young pro. be as honest as posible, i can take it

Young.pro, ya done hoe, Thats a fact cuz many times I’ve seen ya
battled to many times before, ya body part scattered all over the arena
actually when I signed up for the bal, I was hoping we wouldnt face
not cuz you come hard in this place, its cuz I know ur tired of getting raped
ya always come weak, ill take a leak and grab this win
cuz you get pissed on more then a frat house toilet rim
this shit gonna be easy, its like taking food from this dood
cuz in your last two battles no one even voted for you
and your first win is something that puzzles me still
you musta won votes by rubbing doods and cuddling dicks
and bitch stop dropping ya lame ass audios all over the site
they raise up my neck hairs, like gay doods starting a fight
ima drop a fourteen quick before I get carried away too far
im a drop a fourteen, cuz thats prolly how old you actually are

DONE

__________________
PEOPLE IM NOT SPARTZ

~In the struggle between lies and art, art has and always will win~

“The weapons of your warfare ARE carnal, now sharpen them.”
- Amuse.Meant

David Lama

you got the basics down and know more or less what a battle verse should be. your main problem is creativity. most of these lines are lines that have been done tons of times before in very similiar ways. so they have no impact.. while others were just too simple and didnt do anything.. basically just be more creative with ya punches and try to be fresh. the only way to avoid played shit is by reading battles. so i suggest you read up on some old shit.. check out the wbl archives, the rbl archives. or go to bw and check out the old tournaments section and read up on as many stuff as you can. try to read up on battles by the heads that are known to be nice..

Mister Bones

My whole verse against Villista

I’m better in this game, My Every Punch Headers as Insane
But
Only Time ‘V’- iLL is when I’m repeating the first four letters of his name!

DONE

David Lama

i get the feeling you dont really want feed lol.. but ummm. if you're serious.. the "but" was unneccassary.. especially in the 2nd line by itself lol. it looks sloppy and just isnt needed.. the line is aight to me. although i advise you to not try to do too many first letter of opponent nameplays cause some people frown on those and consider them forced. but those are only the very picky bastards out there. then again there are some who just flat out hate nameplays no matter what. but hey, do what you want..

Mister Bones

I was serious, don't understand why you got that feeling from me. Anyway thank you for the feedback, I do appreciate it, and will put it to use.

How do I know when I'm ready to move up to the WBL? Or are you guys just going to move me up when you feel I'm ready?

David Lama

its up to kempo. the WBL is his thing these days so you gotta ask him. basically its when he feels your ready. me personaly, i checked a fight night battle of yours and sure it wasnt the greatest verse ever but hey it was keyed and showed potential and i thought it showed you should be in the WBL.

David Lama

and alot of things play into why he wouldnt move you from what ive seen in the past. i havent seen your posts so im not accusing you but from what I can tell. kemp not only wants heads with a certain amount of skill but he also wants heads that arent gassed up. i mean if their decent, their decent ect.. he doesnt want a decent head whose stuck on decent walking around like hes the greatest thing ever telling everyone else to stfu when they call him decent lol.. again not saying you fall into this. just saying

Mister Bones

Word.

Resin M-I-C

.. u gotta be creative .. u cant say what everyone expects u to say .. u gotta come witty with it .. TEACH EM THAT LAMA

Resin M-I-C

1st couplet - concept - "battled too many dudes n always get beat"

..lost so many times., it must got u rattled hard.,
i could outline a whole fuckin book jus by usin your battle scars




2nd couplet - concept - same as the first "from the bal n get raped"

.. then i was thinkin since u said this already .. wats anotha word for gettin beat .. hmmm .. "Rip" is one .. thought about it .. then came up with this concept ..


..i've seen ur shit hundred of times., it got me goin insane
ur styles such a Rip-off it affected the piston's perimeter game.



3rd couplet - concept - "pissed on/frat house toilet"

.. thinkin of objects in a frat house.. garbage, mini fridge, kegs etc etc .. kegs it is..

..its only downhill from here., i can see ur a dead man.,
ur hopeless., u wouldnt have an upside to u if u did a keg stand


3rd couplet - concept - "gettin shutout" easy concept

..0 votes is wat u gettin., now this dude is down
give u a Shutout worthy of nolan ryans wall at cooperstown


4th couplet .. didnt like the gay reference .. ima pass on this


5th couplet - concept - "neck hairs raising when gay dudes fightin" - didnt make sense .. how about roosters .. they neck feathers raise when fightin .. went 180 on it tho ..

..u skinny fuck., u seek ur balance
how u EVEN gon scratch me.
u the type of feather weight unequipped with beak n talons




jus a example of how'd i do it

KempoMRK

^ Nice advice.

Peep the elevation tools thread also if you're reading this thread:
http://forums.b-boys.com/showthread.php?t=3996

Mufasa

Fuck this shit...Mods you sending this Baby to a slaughter
Let my dogs merk em...like see no evil and that naked lady in the water
Winnin? niggas on B-boys know you won't...
It's like...shit asking this faggot to change and you know he broke!
You growling to me...cuzz ya prowls incomplete
So I forest gump and 50 cent em...buss a 40 cal in his cheek...
Like ok...J got some swag when he speak...
He fronts...so I'll fuck up his grill like I'm crashin a jeep
Liberty a beast he'll never B...new
so I have to beat em over and over again...a lyrical dejavu
You will neva climb prick...why? cause I crash wit the mic
You just a bitch wit a dick...in sublime a hermapherdite
You kneel to a king when I create a thread wit ya name under
Thor wit a gat how my hammer sustains thunder
Pirate of text he likes booty and often looks
Pirate of text...I'll black his eye and I'm sharp wit hooks

DONE

__________________
"Fire breather wrecker flow...laughing at the jesture those...
people who would lecture kneed me similiar protector no?
Canibal molestor mole...family adams...fester those...
chi chi chi chia pest pets that are in the ground and r next to grow..."

ViLLiSTa

Keep Runnin around Like U got tha chip on tha trap
this guy has never burn-a-round but the trip on tha track
like I aint never murked a clown if he slip on tha track
I'm way better than underground, I'm tha shit & I'm back
if u want problems I put ur ass off the slack run u like a pimp out on tha track
rob ur jewels, nah bape? Take that shit off ur back
move slow to low u aint no bitch u a cat
Here is V-with illest lyrics baddest , where r urs at?
get attack Like Saddam think ur peeps can cope with that?
u can Blink than Boom! u would think its Iraq, how much Ink can I scrath?
to have this cat off my back..
Some on Bring this guy a dick cause that the way he loves to end raps
Peep'em he always lame in tha game & we all noticed his weakness
But damb o boy dick ain't the only way to come at me with a weak-diss..
I rest this guy in piss.. for thinking that he great..
the fact "u'' love Dick will never be a debate...

^ some one tell me how I did..

DONE

__________________
Who told ya who told ya? the We$t Put it out for ya!

KempoMRK

Mufasa - Aight lets peep this. Your first bar made no real sense really, you've gotta make sure your concepts can be understood, I don't know where you were going with that opener. 2nd bar was nothing, it just had no real creativity or wit to it, sorta fillerish. Third bar was filler. Grill bar was the best of your verse so far. It had a creative concept and the wording was quite good. Dejavu bar was really simple. Bitch with a dick bar was simple, you just stated what he was, then said the technical word for it, so not really creative. Thunder bar was filler. Pirate of text you tried a call back, but it didn't really work. It was braggadocio as well, 'n those type of bars don't really hit. Peep the elevation tools thread, study the best in this. Then try and write so you have obvious concepts. Filler is your main problem at the moment, so work on removing that.

ViLLiSTa - Burn-a-round? I don't really see what your going for there, its kinda forced. If the wordplay you used seems like it may have to be read weirdly or whatever, then don't use it. Underground bar was filler, you just bragged about yourself, never use those type of bars. More filler, and the same two rhymes, don't do that. Filler. Iraq bar was an actual concept, but it didn't really work. Filler. Filler. Dick bar was jus weird, it was really simple. Yea, you need to work on removing filler badly. I only picked out a couple of actual concepts in your whole verse. Like I said to Mufasa, study the legends and try using actual concepts throughout the verse.

Tips For Both - Use less filler. Use proper concepts. Check the elevation tools thread - http://forums.b-boys.com/showthread.php?t=3996

Mufasa

fillers...got ya

__________________
"Fire breather wrecker flow...laughing at the jesture those...
people who would lecture kneed me similiar protector no?
Canibal molestor mole...family adams...fester those...
chi chi chi chia pest pets that are in the ground and r next to grow..."

Mr.Reed

Anything verse that I've posted lately... My shit hasn't been on-point and I need to fix that shit... So, whenever you get time, can you just go back a look at verse's I posted for battles and shit... Thanks

Edit: Post a verse, don't make us look for one.

Verse

__________________

Think your the shit?
Test your textin' ability...
Fight Night

khalidrocks

Lost in this world,no place to go,frosted by the cold.
i can't bear it anymore,so i run fast to get a hold.

Like a nomade lion,im looking for pride,so i enter your territory
when i infilterate your boundaries, consider bloodshed mandatory.


My brain's my leader,i fight hardships with its strategies.
But my heart my weakness,it's like gravity attracting all the tragedies.

I abide by the same rules,i don't rap for money or fame
cause i've got 50 Cent in the pocket and im still playing the Game


Don't mess with me,i'd make suffer your next 7 generations
what americans did to japanese?massacred the whole nation with nuclear radiations


Leave the post,don't make me repeat the World War2 history
When Germans got killed by red army in their own holy city.


People do what i say,i control their minds like Jewish Lobby
Governments banning me but people can't resist me like im an Afghan Poppy.

DONE

RCG Tiburon

vs. ill nik-a

yo, i'm sick, on the web AND for real man, so don't even boast
step and get strepped of ya cred just like the shit in my throat
you left your home site in disgrace - you just a poser, son.
nik-a please - this dude Wouldn't Be-ilL if he was 0 for 1
^^ hear that, dog? yeah, that was a WBL line...
but i figured you'd need reminding, since you got run out the last time
When you left with no respect, you was slanderin friends...
...no wonder they unbanned weed, then when you left they banned her again...
So basically, you a bitch in exile, like the Dalai Lama
but it ain't the 70s no more, so I'm tired of-Vall-drama
speakin of old... it's sad to see a playa clearly past his prime...
...but nika's like unitas with a bad knee, broke arm and a quart of ballentine!
you can't ban me here man, i got nothing to prove...
at least weed got the boards shakin... you just made the bitch move

DONE

KempoMRK

You're in the wrong place, this is for battling elevation, it seems like you want topicals/songs. Post this piece in here for feedback on it:

http://forums.b-boys.com/forumdisplay.php?f=33

Decent lil verse though, would work well in an audio track.

khalidrocks

No you misunderstanding me..........I not only work on topicals i do battles as well.It was my first verse so i posted here to get your tips and suggestions.
Next time i will try to post only battle verses here.Sorry if i offended any kind of rule.